Been thinkin'

I’ve been having one of those contemplative days. Which is strange, because it’s Monday, and usually all I try to do is get through the day. I suppose it’s because lately I’ve been taking stock of a lot of what’s going on in my life. I hate doing that. Anyone that knows me knows that I hate change, I hate disruption, and I hate having to face the not-so-nice things that come along every now and then. I’ve been thinking a lot about the year that’s just passed, it was this time 12 months ago that the health scare with Patch happened, and after that I found myself making a lot of changes in my life, mainly small, but some significant. It took something that big and potentially devastating for me to reassess and (I hope) improve.

Changes are coming again, not least with the job, and I’ve had my head in the sand about it for a while now. The news came in the middle of a really bad time for me, so I think part of my brain just filed it away so as not to become overwhelmed by all the shit that was happening right then. But I’ve since realised that you have to keep on keepin’ on even when crap is starting to pile up. It would be far too easy for me to sit down and mope about all my little mini disasters right now, and on bad days I almost fall into the mire, but mostly I’m able to stay if not upbeat, then on an even keel of coping. That feeling that I just need to get away from everything isn’t as predominant as before, but I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately about being far away, so I guess it’s still on my mind.

I want to go to Canada, I want to stay here, I want to go to Canada, I want to stay here…

But I keep coming back to this time last year. No matter what happens, it’s all really small potatoes compared to the possibility of losing someone you love. I bitch about my family sometimes, but know that I’m blessed with them. Sometimes my friends can wreck my head, but I always remember that I’m lucky to have so many, and I hope they know how much they mean to me. As much as the job is like a job, a really bad day is rare, and I find myself laughing with people around me all the time. And most importantly, I have somebody that I can talk to about anything, anytime, no matter what.

Everything will work out. It all happens for a reason. We’re going to be ok.